Why is it that I resent the ones that love me, usually because they don’t love me enough? Why is it I resent those who don’t love me, usually because they won’t love me enough? Quite a dilemma, but it’s one that has been with me always, it perplexes me deeply. I spent my life searching for that, I know that even as a child I questioned that my parents ever really loved me. I have learned from sobriety that I suffer from, as I’ve said before “cosmic loneliness”, this is a result of, my lack of Spiritual awareness and the inability to grow enough in what is called unconditional love. As a human being I have been in fear of loving without conditions, if I don’t learn to learn this one principle I will forever live in that loneliness. The only thing that delivers this principle to me, is to learn to servers others, and for that brief moment of helping, I discover the true feeling of loving without conditions. This has been presented to me so vividly, in the process of working with others, who are rooted with the same dilemma as me. When someone is presented to me, at that moment the conditions are silenced, there are no wants, nothing in it for me, except the desire to help. Is that still a condition, well back to square one, unconditional is as elusive as humility, something I have prayed for my entire sober life, my prayer is “God grant me humility to surrender my ego, and the courage to love unconditionally’. The Spiritual Principles are where the teaching and learning begins and ends. Please forgive me for not loving you enough, and not letting your love in.
Peace Out: M copyright 2014
Also Posted On My Blog: www.bigfifty50.com

Over the years there have been many fact facing realities, all of them were never easy to admit or deal with. Those years of running from facts and living on replacing facts with fiction, was my existence, I didn’t admit to what the truth was. Many of us even in our sober life still run from the facts and the result is that, when we don’t take that fact finding tour, it will kill us as sure as the drink will. We hear every day that people with years of sobriety, end up taking our own lives, over not facing the facts of pure emotions. I know the idea of this has crossed my mind many times, because I didn’t want to face the fact that, I have to connect with the Power to find faith once more. This is exhausting, and I live with sloth and the feelings of loneliness, which can only be cured for me, by remembering that God has carried me through much, and am I willing to continue this walk by working towards that faith. I must stay in the face of these facts, or I will not know purpose. The purpose of existence is really just to serve each other, this is written in every Spiritual ideology. We have survived as a species through community, this is fact, together we conquer alone we die. For me life is beautiful as long as I never forget the fact that the Power lies between you and I, alone I will not see that power. Without this Power I sincerely have the solitary loneliness of myself, now that’s hopelessness.
Peace Out: M copyright 2014