As I write, I don’t want to seem that I am coming from a place that makes it sound, that I think I know something, that I really don’t. I am only expressing what my thoughts are, and this process reveals things to me that I have questioned myself about, and what I believe at the moment I am writing it. I definitively know that, I have many limitations such as, education (formal), skills in writing style, vocabulary, spelling to a degree, like principal and principle and when to use the correct one, knowledge, understanding or awareness of a number of things. This list can go on, but I will stop at that. The things I talk about are those things that I have experienced, or have questions about. I am just a man with the passion of expressing what I have been through and the processes, I have under gone to seek understanding of spirit and I. The longer I search the more questions I have, and I totally understand those who say I just keep it simple, but simple is as big, or as little as the situations that are presented too me.

When it comes to sober life, I have steps that lead me to principles , that lead me to a method to have an awakening, or spiritual experience, or higher conscious, that substances and things are a temporary solution to an infinite problem, which is me and my thoughts. Now that I come to this higher awareness, I realize I must search higher, and higher thought also has its limitations, by the shallowness of my ability to think higher, than my evolution of mind has taken me too at this point in time. Here is where the quote “the journey is in the seeking” and they tell me “that we know only a little, but more will be revealed”.

I don’t want to be stuck in a limited frame work, I want the openness that the universe has in an endless space, where my search is always evolving and always growing, and the knowledge that no one has any more answers or less answers than I. I believe we were designed by the force in nature, that all things in this sphere that we all occupy, are designed to evolve and change. If I had not changed the search or journey I was on, I would not have gotten to this moment, and I love this moment. Who knows the next may not be to my liking, but hopefully I will evolve in the next moment, to meet the one after that!

Peace Out. M

Should I listen to my heart? After my separation and eventual divorce, I was left broken and feeling that I had failed again, and left my family in shambles. I went in to a deep depression, at 13 some odd years of being in recovery, I once again destroyed something in life because of my bad choices and actions. Even though I loved my then wife, I was unwilling to see my part in things that led up to that, and at first, I tried shifting the blame, a common theme in my writings, slowly after I took the steps to see things in a different light, I started to change.

You know heart break and rejection are things that I have had to really work on in recovery. This i s all about processing the emotions I think are love, when I am hormonally attracted to a person, I start to believe this a reaction of my heart. Then when I have to start interacting on a emotional level with the person, what I thought was the thing I needed, or wanted the most, something changes in me and them. Now my emotions start to change, because I am no longer driven by the hormone’s, that I thought were from my heart , they are starting to be overridden by my thoughts, never realizing that these feelings were chemically induced into my system, and were not part of my heart’s functions, but of my mind reacting to outside stimuli, that caused my body to excrete substances that are naturally created. When I started to see the things that I have to except things, to keep the emotional thing going with this person that started all this in the first place, again placing the blame on them and not me, everything about me is challenged. This is a common thing in a relationship, and we start to change how we feel about what we choose, because we no longer are being driven by what we thought, was created by our hearts, but wake up to the fact that we really don’t know what love really is.

Here comes the part that I had to learn. There is a difference in what I think is love, and start to understand what love really is. Love is when we start the process of unconditional love, this means, learning to give love without conditions, and expectations of receiving anything in return, and excepting the GIFT, of being okay with what comes back, and having the faith that no matter what, everything has rhyme, and purpose. If I look to nature for all things, there really is order, purpose, and meaning. No matter what we do as humans there is a bigger purpose, and no matter how distorted the world gets, there is all ways the GIFT, love if we just look for it, and start to accept things and people for what they are!  This was a hard lesson to learn and except, but if we don’t learn we are too walk this life alone. I don’t walk alone anymore, and I fall in love everyday.

Peace out. M