One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in the past years is to stay out of my own way. It took me awhile to just see how I was complicating things around me, by trying to control  the outcome, without applying the right solutions. Another is by going forward, without the proper foundation, to support what I was trying build or manage. I also had no trust in anything, thus leaving me with nothing to fall back on, relying on manipulation, and imagination, without working for the magic that was supposed to happen, with not much foresight, in what the consequences could possibly be. Now to a normal person, this may seem quite insane, but to an alcoholic, these things seem perfectly OK. Most of us live with pretty misguided thoughts, that are blossomed from weeds. Everything that should be illogical to the sane mind is reversed and distorted, by an acute illness that lives and thrives in drama, resentment, low esteem, thoughts of grandeur, illusion, and fear. There are more examples that I could go on with , but it’s no wonder, that the families who have no understanding, are bewildered by this individual.

The act of complete surrender is so foreign to the sufferer, after running on self will so long, that we drive the car into the wall. I had to run out of options, before I was beaten to surrender. Very few who are like me, have the ability to give up, until this happens. I owe everything to that beating, it hurt so bad that I could no longer go on living with the information I had up to that point. I clearly remember that moment, when those words came out of my mouth ” I need help”. Then there was real magic that occurred, my ears begin to listen, my thoughts begin to change from more, to no more, I began to reach for something I could not see, feel, or believe until that moment. We say it’s a “Spiritual Awakening”, but you don’t really identify it as that, at that moment, but it truly is an awareness that comes, but it takes a lifetime to know this. I can’t tell you why this happened to me, I question it all the time, and truth is I don’t have to know, I just am thoroughly grateful that it did. This is the definition of a miracle to me, because I lived it, but there are so many more. I used to have great contempt for that word, but when you become the expression of that miracle, there is music attached to it.  I owe my life to the angles that brought me the tools, the words, the care, the love and the selfless service, to make this miracle happen, I am forever humbled by the efforts that were extended to me, and only hope I can extend it to someone who needs and wants it.

Peace Out. M

How do I really know that I am willing to do whatever it takes to set aside all those things that stand between me, and the rest of the world! After I took a look at all those things that created damage and pain, I had to understand what defects of my character were involved in creating that destruction. Even though I had become willing to make changes, I had to ask the power of my better self, to have the courage to identify, and confront those I had harmed. Truly, I needed to do all of this, without expecting anything in return, this is really the moment I felt the true experience of unconditional love, and humility. From that moment I experienced a change in me. Freedom of me and the binding of self-abuse, it was one of the most amazing feelings of my existence. However this is an ongoing endeavor, I must continue on day to day, being forever diligent in this way. I can be fooled that I can take my control and will back. If I become complacent or drop my guard, I stand in great danger of losing this freedom that I cherish. Knowledge of this truly is an awareness of my higher conscious, this was described to me as a Higher Power. It’s the way I have chosen the path, which was chosen for me, but by the Grace of God I go. None of this is an easy thing to achieve, there are many things that we either overcome, or make difficult because of the fear, or pleasure these defects give us. Some of these things are instinctual, primal needs, others are habitual, and both are hard to let go, but for me I have to continue to make every effort to rectify. I am as guilty as one can be, trying letting go but unwilling to release, those things that prevent me from earning a better seat on the “Train to Jordan”, but I am damn sure trying to upgrade my ticket.
PEACE OUT. M