I have spent a lifetime searching for intoxication, and a lifetime trying to recover from it too. There are so many substances that create that effect and our allure to the effect, it can and does sometimes become the very reason to exist. It is also the same effect in trying to relate to another person specially when it comes to the opposite ,sex or the same sex, which ever is your choice. The persons you choose or attracted to, bring about that feeling of intoxication. You first feel a bit light headed an unsteady, then you want more of the feeling, then the more you are exposed to that euphoria you start to think maybe, I will hold back a little, but almost immediately your thoughts over ride the sane thought, and reach for the more insane thought of continuing on regardless of the consequences involved and the repercussions of your actions.

How well I know these thoughts, I have experienced them, I have been drawn in by both substances and for the most part each has led me to the same place. Having been drawn in to the intoxication of beauty, and wanting to be with a person because I like the feeling, has led me to the same place that drugs and alcohol has, and the reason is that my behavior was unhealthy. I wanted this for selfish motives and not for the spiritual aspect of love, but for the need to , own and control, mean while living in the denial of what real love is. Recovery has taught the real love should be without conditions. I shouldn’t have expectations of what the other person shares, it has to be that the acceptance of what you are willing give, is enough if you are giving me the respect to love me back, and if you choose to no longer have those feelings, I must be willing to let go.

This lesson is still being taught to me on a daily basis, if I let myself go past the thought, that maybe I should stop because I want more, it takes me back to that place where I have no defense, my choices are gone, I have been lured once more to the attraction of the intoxication, that removes my inhibitions and leads me down a path of destruction. The first illusion of the beauty draws me in, but when I am drawn in by the affect, the truth that at some point it might stop working was never a thought, when I picked up the substance, no matter which one it was it always became destructive, because of me, not it. Thank God for helping me find the path I just pray that I can continue walking towards the light in life and love. Peace out M

Why is it so hard for us to see, feel, and hear beauty, it’s all around us but it gets glossed over so we can fulfill those things that we think makes us happy. I hear so many say how happy their lives are, but it always seem so temporary , and every line in their face shows the stress that we have brought on ourselves. We fill ourselves with debit trying to achieve success or our vision of happiness, yet in our  homes we neglect our families, all the while  neglecting the real beauty of our lives. I spent so much time chasing things that never filled the whole in my soul, God gave everything I need to achieve real fulfillment, I had art, music, freedom to travel, see cultures enjoy friends, beautiful children, beautiful women, and the ability to allow those things in my heart and soul, but I chose to waste it, the most precious gift of all, people who loved and cared for me.

When we’re lost in abuse this becomes all that matters, you are willing to lose all for that obsession, even the most beautiful thing of all, Life. I had become willing to die for it, the waste of the true gift of being created in the image of something divine, I know now that my life is only minutes long and  i can only wish that I can observer all the beauty that my eyes allow me to absorb, all the music that my ears can hear, all the tastes that life and love have to offer,

In October of 2013  I took a trip that took me four months and 9000 miles, I took the time to see beauty everywhere, left stress, behind, I gave away most of my possessions just to feel peace and let the bueaty in, alone on the road, just me, my car, my music, my memories, but I took all the lessons that I had acquired in the rooms, the rooms that were provided by a power so much greater than me and the experiences I encountered , this was Gods Art and I was allowed to experience, and I ask why is this power so Good to me. I just don’t know but it is. Peace Lv M