The biggest thing I have had to learn in my life is that I don’t look at things from a point of view that my mind and thoughts are for the most part incorrect. I look at things from outward prospective first which is either assumption or judgement. I always want to put the blame somewhere else other than on myself. It is easier to blame someone or something else rather to take the responsibility on me. For instance you pissed me off, or they did that, you hurt me, they are trying to make me do it, I don’t believe them, she or he did it. These responses are very natural and go on and on, because I don’t want the responsibility of realizing that only I can make me think this way, you don’t have any control on my emotions unless I let you. Why do we fear taking on the responsibility of ourselves, most likely because I don’t like the effort to change my perspective and perception. It is to hard to welcome the change so I would rather sit around blaming the world and you for the situations I get myself into.

This is where I needed to build true faith in a “Power Greater than Myself”and that it could restore me and change the illusion that I controlled everything that surrounded me, I finally understood that the only true power I had was to change the perception of my insane thoughts and that The Power was in something so much bigger. There are so many things that are around us that tell us the truth about our existence, but only if we listen and ask, believe, and want to let the truth in. Why was I reluctant?

Emotions are the hardest thing I have struggled with throughout life.  For years I ran from dealing with things that brought out emotions that I didn’t want to face, it was easier. I have worked with many people with the same struggles that I had. I think this is just the human condition and I believe it’s brought about in fear of losing control, if I loved you, I was afraid of losing you, If I disliked you I was afraid of confrontation, If I was in fear of you I was afraid of being of being hurt physically, all these fears just kept on mounting up and overwhelming my emotional health. When I first found sobriety I was told I needed to find emotional stability , which I couldn’t understand what that meant. I had spent an entire life time not even knowing I was consumed with fear of even feeling emotions, it seemed that to have feelings I was less of a man/person, men don’t cry and that’s what I thought emotions were.

Once I begin to learn real trust in something I couldn’t see, something I had to go out on a limb for with out fearing the limb would break, did I find that even if I fell that I would land gracefully. I slowly began to know that I could feel without fear, I could love without hurt, I could reach out without fear that you would take something from me that I considered mine. When I grasped the concept that nothing really belonged to me it has all been on loan, my life is just a gift for me to embrace and enjoy. I have been blessed with more than I deserve, it has been so freely given to me, all that I need comes, all that I want is just the greed in my body. I thank you and the power for giving me the moment I have. Peace out M