Ego and low self-esteem seem to always go hand in hand, they are two sides of the same coin, and over the years in my professional lives I have seen this over and over. Having met some of the brightest minds, and watching them suffer from enormous ego mania and the deepest disgust of themselves, and the only way to make them feel better or stronger, is to diminish everyone and everything around them. I not only see this in others, but have been a victim of my own destructive use of these two manic ideas. Remembering moments when I hated and loathed myself, and took it out on others around me. Ego in my opinion is a needed instinct, I can’t see where without it, that mankind could have flourished, and accomplished as it has. Every force of genius is guided by some portion of ego, but even those who did have this gift, also had a nature of darkness that they loathed. Most of the great artists, musicians, craftsmen, thinkers, politicians, even clergy, have issues of self-doubt and esteem. It is always noticeable in the driven to accomplish, the angry, the bouts of depression, and insanity, not much humility in these types. This is pointed out in the beatitude “the meek shall inherit the earth”, my interpretation of this is: “those who never find humility are generally destroyed by this Ego instinct”.
These two components of my personality have been the driving force in my, self-abuse and addictions, it seems to be a common manifestation of my disease, the disease of self. I have had to spend the last quarter century listening, reading, and implementing things that help me diminish, those two over inflated twins. Progress is slow due to the nature of both, they are always battling each other, which one is going to win today is always the momentary question. I can awaken and be in spiritual communication, but when the self is aroused in come the two, armed and dangerous, they take no prisoners. They told me that the ego must be smashed; always finding a hammer big enough is doubly hard, when you need reassurance that you’re good enough and strong enough to swing it. Thank you to the Power that swings with me, and for giving me the ability to put the pieces of both back together, and build a better human being .
Peace Out: M

Finding willingness to continue on trying to carry the message, to those who say they want it, but just can’t let go of the idea that their way is not working for them, in spite of, evidence to the contrary. Some will carry this thought to the grave; I have been witness to this first hand. In the past this would have discouraged me if I gave into my own self-doubt. I have the experience of what has been taught me by others, to keep the focus and too keep on trying to carry the message to others. I had two good friends die from this disease of addiction/alcoholism, close friends who chose to keep going on to the inevitable end. Their deaths gave me the knowledge, that I can’t help anyone, who doesn’t want to find a solution to their problem, and it’s not my solution, but a well-tested and proven one, handed down for generations, by those who suffered, and persevered. When I was struck sober, the solution was handed to me, with a mandate that I was to find a power greater than I, clean my side of the street and help others, in order for me to stay safe, sane, and sober.
There are those days that are harder than others, I sometimes fall victim to my own emotions of care, and control. Things that are pointed out to me by our Big Book, Steps, Traditions, and Spiritual Principles, which have told me in suggestions emphatically, that “My” primary purpose is to stay sober and carry a message of depth and weight, no matter how difficult this may be, and that I may be the last person with a chance, to deliver this message to someone. This may seem arrogant, and egotistical, but its truth for us, had it not been those that brought it to me, my next stop was a morgue, I shit you not! I thank God for the gift of my sobriety, even when I want to give up, the thought that someone may die, because of my unwillingness to endure the failures. I have enough marks on my soul, to add any more, for lack of courage and vigilance. Thank you Friends of Bob and Bill, for not giving up on a low bottom drunk like me.

Peace Out: M