The hardest lessons to learn are the things we resist the most. For as long as I can remember I was not a patient person, when I wanted something or had expectations of things to happen, I wanted them immediately, I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it RIGHT now! This meant if things, weren’t going how I wanted them to go, I took it upon myself to start trying to manipulate situations, people, and things. The part of the equation I missed was that the outcome may or may not be to my liking, and if It wasn’t, I would place the blame somewhere else, so I could excuse myself of responsibility. This became the beginning of a problem, all my life was based on waiting, and as a child, I couldn’t wait for Christmas, or to reach my teens, and when I hit my teens, I couldn’t wait to become an adult. So when these milestones arrived, I was presented with disappointment. Then as an adult I started the process, of laying the blame elsewhere. This was always as a result of expectations, and the impatience, so when it came to replacing these two areas of my life with acceptance, it seemed impossible. When I was told that, if I wanted to find relief from those anxieties, which translated into addiction and alcoholism, I needed to pray and meditate, something I had no experience with, except those children’s prayers, that didn’t seem to work. So prayer and meditation felt useless, at that point. Meditation to me, was thinking myself into a delirious circle of either illusions or bad judgment; it had to be drilled into me that without attempting to achieve the awareness of the necessity of these two things, the development of any kind of higher consciousness, and relief was impossible. This was something I desperately needed, a new awareness. Once I started accepting and praying, things started to happen for me, the lesson of humility found through prayer and meditation relieved expectations, and the impatience became replaced with serenity. These things are now a way of life for me, these are the tools I need on a daily basis to maintain, this life as I know today, thank you for handing me those two gifts.
Peace Out: M

When I came to that moment, that everything I had known before, was not enough to mend my broken life. There I was in a dark place, darker than anything I had experienced ever before, there was nothing I could manipulate or lie, my way out of this moment, which would take me out of this darkness. I felt terror, there I was, in the darkness I had created, afraid, alone, and confused. Where I came from, you were taught never to show your fear; if you did you became prey. This may sound strange for some to comprehend, but for a person who has lived the majority of their life on the outside of mainstream society, this is a needed survival tool. One does not have to be a criminal to experience that denial of fear, but sometimes you have to become ruthless in that denial, I’ve known many with suits and ties, that have this same training and thoughts. It has to be, only when you have no options left, and you’re face to face with that truth, and you have come to know it, you are at that hopelessness place, and there seems to be NO WAY OUT. This is when, what feels impossible becomes possible; you find the one thing that changes everything, SURRENDER. Something that is never been a part of your vocabulary, you have lived a lifetime, on wit, lies, manipulation, and when you see the real truth even fear.
I can see from where I sit today, that as much as I tried not to see the fear, it had always an asset to have, because it is the tool for survival. There have been so many things presented to me though recovery, but this is the greatest knowledge acquired, because armed with this awareness I came to understand, that I didn’t have to be afraid of the thing I feared the most, t was that three letter word GOD. I was raised with a very angry, jealous, entity, which I was supposed to fear, so all my life was based on that perception. I know now that when I was presented with the idea that, I just had to find a God of my own understanding, that knowledge allowed me to start the journey, of trying to comprehend something I could not before. This was the beginning of seeking awareness that continues, and that I don’t have to live in the fear of punishment, but in the realm of love and faith. This may sound a little evangelical, but the truth is I trust something that I don’t have to identify for anyone’s sake; this is the missing component for me, and countless others who have replaced fear with faith, instead of a fifth. May those who suffer from there faithless disease, understand that it is here if you want and work for it.
Peace Out: M