Taking back character defects and insecurities is a constant effort, just when you start to think that you have diminished some, they are staring you right in the face. they seem to attack you under a different disguise, or form, meanwhile they’re the very same misguided thoughts, and actions, that you thought you had surrendered. This battle with giving away the power and then taking it back, thus picking up the cross and then canceling it, ( this term is not original for me, I read it in a book and paraphrased)! I have so many times ask the power to take things from my heart, and sometimes they are lifted, but my will overrides the presence of the higher consciousness, to the will of the lower thought. then as I maneuver down the avenue of disastrous thinking, I start to fallback on the foundation of what I have been taught, but I have already done the damage to my soul.

Once the action of reverting back to the defects that brought me down in the first place, the act of trying to repair and amend what you wronged within yourself , means I must once again I have to  look at those things that I don’t like looking at. Those selfish, dishonest, fears that will destroy the good, if I don’t! When we have truly walked in recovery, returning to the scene of the crime is very, very, unpleasant. All those issues of insecurity,  doubt,  fear, anger, will rage until I work this out with the power,  that I had asked to take away them in the first place, this is where I must humble myself and seek forgiveness, for the battle with me.

For me I must continue to always be aware of those things that will bring resentment, this is the seeking, I have no choice, or I do destroy me, and any soul I have, and I have always been a soulful guy, and no matter what I do have a deep groove, if you don’t believe me ask those who grooved with me, my musical brothers and sisters who made music with me, and for those who have brought me to a new groove.  Peace Out. M

I read that the human heart will not be put off, it needs reconciliation, forgiveness, and assurance, and I know that, from my experience of my life. Without it I probably would not have survived my indiscretions, my abuse, and my behavior, my heart need to be forgiven for all the mistakes I have made. I needed to know that there was forgiveness, and a loving energy, to resolve my self inflicted torture, that I had lived. Life had come to that point in time that I had dug a hole so deep that I could never have lifted myself out of , without the help of a Greater Power. Up until that point I had no idea what my true self was. I was made up of an array of characters , that were created to fit all the different situations that I had been involved in throughout my 41 years prior. I know now what a  gift it is to know my life, as I know it today, but that knowledge came with a price!

I never valued this gift before now, it all seemed so useless, that is what self will gave me. A distorted view and twisted values that led me down the hole. There are so many things that I must acknowledge that brought me to me, the biggest one being Grace from the forgiving Energy. Another is the practice of spiritual principles, and the help of selfless people, who took the time to carry a message to me, and love me. For all those things in unity brought the reconciliation,forgiveness, and assurance, that has carried me in this journey. 79 years ago today there was created a design for me and countless others, who have been delivered one moment at a time to a new way of looking at the world from the perspective of people with mended hearts. For this I am eternally grateful and forever indebted to give back what I can never repay.  Thank you God and the 12 steps. Peace out M