Should I listen to my heart? After my separation and eventual divorce, I was left broken and feeling that I had failed again, and left my family in shambles. I went in to a deep depression, at 13 some odd years of being in recovery, I once again destroyed something in life because of my bad choices and actions. Even though I loved my then wife, I was unwilling to see my part in things that led up to that, and at first, I tried shifting the blame, a common theme in my writings, slowly after I took the steps to see things in a different light, I started to change.

You know heart break and rejection are things that I have had to really work on in recovery. This i s all about processing the emotions I think are love, when I am hormonally attracted to a person, I start to believe this a reaction of my heart. Then when I have to start interacting on a emotional level with the person, what I thought was the thing I needed, or wanted the most, something changes in me and them. Now my emotions start to change, because I am no longer driven by the hormone’s, that I thought were from my heart , they are starting to be overridden by my thoughts, never realizing that these feelings were chemically induced into my system, and were not part of my heart’s functions, but of my mind reacting to outside stimuli, that caused my body to excrete substances that are naturally created. When I started to see the things that I have to except things, to keep the emotional thing going with this person that started all this in the first place, again placing the blame on them and not me, everything about me is challenged. This is a common thing in a relationship, and we start to change how we feel about what we choose, because we no longer are being driven by what we thought, was created by our hearts, but wake up to the fact that we really don’t know what love really is.

Here comes the part that I had to learn. There is a difference in what I think is love, and start to understand what love really is. Love is when we start the process of unconditional love, this means, learning to give love without conditions, and expectations of receiving anything in return, and excepting the GIFT, of being okay with what comes back, and having the faith that no matter what, everything has rhyme, and purpose. If I look to nature for all things, there really is order, purpose, and meaning. No matter what we do as humans there is a bigger purpose, and no matter how distorted the world gets, there is all ways the GIFT, love if we just look for it, and start to accept things and people for what they are!  This was a hard lesson to learn and except, but if we don’t learn we are too walk this life alone. I don’t walk alone anymore, and I fall in love everyday.

Peace out. M

Is my checkbook ever balanced. This has always been something I have forever been trying to accomplish, but I never get though it with perfect numbers. I try but, the best I can do is try to fool myself, and just guesstimate. This  seems to work with my banking my not trying to spend more than I have, but is a question mark in my life, there are just things I shouldn’t guess at. I have spent a good deal of my life trying to balance the parts, that I mismanaged.  It is hard to reconcile the things you bounce because of neglect, or irresponsibility , and the penalty is sever, it’s a huge fine which I pay for on a daily basis.

I ask people that question, and some say of course! They misunderstand what I am really asking, most of  those I ask that question too, are people who are struggling in recover,y but can’t see the UN-manageability of the choices they have made. Recognizing my part in the problems I have at any given moment, depends on just how honest I am with me. I have to see past the things I justify, that they were not mistakes in my mind, but I contributed too, and miscalculated. It seems to be in our nature as humans to always blame things on outside circumstances, it’s like Adam in the Garden it was Eve that tempted him to eat the apple, when he was confronted by God, he instinctively put the blame somewhere, other then himself. This is a great image of our egos searching elsewhere other then ourselves to deceive the truth in balancing our mistakes. I have had to search long and deep at my behavior that keeps my checkbook out of whack, and the things that will keep my life in check. I was taught late in life that living my life being open, honest, and willing to do the actions that keep my checkbook balanced, is a start to balancing myself with truth. Peace out. M