Today was amazing as is everyday. I received 5 calls from persons I haven’t talked with in quiet awhile. Each call was rather long but beautiful in it’s own way and at the end of each they said I love you with sincerity. Now most of them were people I met in the past year, and I thought to myself and felt in my soul “gratitude”. When I first came in to the program I used to hate that word, it seemed to flowery for someone as hip as me. Now I admire the men and women that so freely shared their feelings on how things had made them change and how grateful they had become. I have had a few who my postings have either offended, or made them think I am angry, or insane. Maybe I am all three, it’s up to them to decide. I know what is in my heart and i know what I am trying to convey, to them that it is relevant, and to them that it is not, it is what I am compelled to do at this time. My daughter said ” some of it sounded like I am rambling”, and she is right I AM, but I want to shout. I have spent my life trying to manipulate things by skirting and dodging, and being untruthful to me. I am just in the lifeboat with all of you trying to row ashore and I am glad to be there. So please note that I am not trying to hurt anyone I am just trying to be myself and that’s a full time job. Your comments are welcomed and so is criticism “No one can steal my joy” a quote from one my oldest and dearest friends Hollywood Doc.

Peace Out. M

I have had great experiences today and a lot of time reflecting. My reflection has been on RECOVERING from anything. The reason it’s called recovery is because it has to do with some kind of pain. I have spent a lifetime trying not to deal with pain, and to find something to remove that agonizing moments, which can be a very extended moment. What I have come to realize is that the fear is not pain but it is what I need to achieve the level of courage too find that recovery, without giving up or in. Pain is something we can become very addicted to. We find sympathy in it, we find those who nurture us, we find anger in it, it anesthetizes, it keeps us from looking at ourselves (a distraction), it makes us pity, the list goes on. So with all the distortions, we fear recovering from our emotional addiction connected with pain. There is a very real component between these things that one has to see.This means I have to see my part and my unwillingness to let go of all those things that bind me to it. To fear the recovery has kept so many of us tied to very destructive behavior, and it can kill. We will continue to infect and distort the very essence of the instinct to survive, we will throw in the towel, than to walk through those very scary feelings that we can’t deal with what we are confronting.
I can only share this from my own experiences with all types of pain that I have had to deal with, and I know that many, who have been here, have done it. My prayer is that I never am confronted with any pains that I don’t have the power to walk though. God has shared it’s power with me and lets me know through you, together WE can achieve miracles in fighting fear of recovering from anything. TOGETHER WE CONQUER THINGS THAT WE CAN NOT DO ALONE.

Peace Out: Love to all. M