Every day I write, I share only what I feel. This is not me trying to be profound, or thinking I have any wisdom. There is only a deep sense of emotion and honest hope that I have in my heart. My feelings are that we all have a need to touch and reach some higher energy in life. Some of us get lost, hurt, and damaged, along our way and we go inward, to that place with no hope or light, into that room of isolation, and for me that is a painful, fearful, selfish, and a scary place. This is why I write, and am willing basically, to share my life with all; it is out of need not wisdom. The lives I have to live are one of honesty with myself, and watch my intents, judgments, and assumptions. I had to learn this by hard work and experiencing failures, and successes, loss and gains. The lessons of having to constantly seek, listen, and watch for ego, pride, and absorb the teachings of trying to relinquishing my will, to God’s will. I am one of the most undisciplined, self-centered people I have known, and I have been blessed to know thousands in my time here on this planet, and I am not shearing this from ego or pride, but from experience. So I want all to know why I do this and I know I have to deal with others assumptions, criticisms, and the appreciations. I know if we stay dormant in this journey, it leads to stagnation, and that leads to possible tragic behavior. No matter how long I stay sober, I still have to do what I was told to do in the beginning, which was to put down everything on paper, and in this day and age, we have technology and media, and I thank those who taught me to just drop the rock, and make them pebbles, these thoughts are the fragments that are there. The experience of taking the actions and staying out of the results means to me, that I just do it and leave the outcome to God.
Peace Out: M Copyright 2014

Why is it that I resent the ones that love me, usually because they don’t love me enough? Why is it I resent those who don’t love me, usually because they won’t love me enough? Quite a dilemma, but it’s one that has been with me always, it perplexes me deeply. I spent my life searching for that, I know that even as a child I questioned that my parents ever really loved me. I have learned from sobriety that I suffer from, as I’ve said before “cosmic loneliness”, this is a result of, my lack of Spiritual awareness and the inability to grow enough in what is called unconditional love. As a human being I have been in fear of loving without conditions, if I don’t learn to learn this one principle I will forever live in that loneliness. The only thing that delivers this principle to me, is to learn to servers others, and for that brief moment of helping, I discover the true feeling of loving without conditions. This has been presented to me so vividly, in the process of working with others, who are rooted with the same dilemma as me. When someone is presented to me, at that moment the conditions are silenced, there are no wants, nothing in it for me, except the desire to help. Is that still a condition, well back to square one, unconditional is as elusive as humility, something I have prayed for my entire sober life, my prayer is “God grant me humility to surrender my ego, and the courage to love unconditionally’. The Spiritual Principles are where the teaching and learning begins and ends. Please forgive me for not loving you enough, and not letting your love in.
Peace Out: M copyright 2014
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