All my life I longed for friendship, having traveled to so many places since I was a child, I always had to work for friendship. There were many who I tried to reach out to, usually those who were outside of the “click”, those who didn’t fit in. I really am sympathetic to those who are bullied, or teased, which withdraw and feel alone, I felt this, I know it, and still have to push through those familiar feelings. Sometimes the people we let in can bring out good behavior and bad behavior in us, we make wrong choices out of need and wanting to fit in and belong. Because of the feelings that no matter what I tried I just didn’t seem to fit led me to isolation. When I stepped into the rooms of recovery, I found that I was not alone with these feelings, and there were others that actually had made choices, based on the same feelings. I started to learn how to reach out and tried to drop all the walls, of fear, judgments, assumptions, intentions, and expectations. Expectations are still apparent in my life, when I reach out and try to help and love someone, I put a lot of effort into befriending people, and this opens me up to heartbreak. When this happens today I have to remember that God has placed them in my life for me to be taught some lesson in life, and to be aware of the fact, that no one breaks my heart but me, and if I allow this to happen, that I am moving away from God’s purpose, which is just to let love in. I am always amazed how my Higher Power places lessons in my life and who brings them to me.
Peace Out: Michael copyright
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I never saw how disrespectful I was until I looked backed. The behavior I displayed I never thought of me as being disrespectful, I was raised in the south, and was taught to display respect. However when substances were introduced my first psychic change occurred. I begin to have contempt for everything, this was around 11 years of age, and my view of the world became distorted and misguided. My world had always centered on me, but it became more so, I only saw what affected me immediately, no real or true meaning, the world was just lying, and I was a victim. I couldn’t see the effect I had on others around me, only what I manipulated and I manipulated to my benefit, and my benefit only. How much more disrespect can one have? When I fueled this attitude with more substances, it became more self-centered and selfish. It never mattered except attending to my needs, and the lack of respect was insidious and damage piled up. When I surrendered, and started working the program of recovery, in doing the moral inventory, I started to look at things about myself that I had never looked at before, but that first inventory helped start the change enough to grow. However when I stared working with others, especially those who were drinking, the truth of my behavior was right in front of me. I saw how I dismissed others feelings and thoughts, just like those who were now in front of me and in my face, the awareness of this vision was astonishing yet humbling. God reveals his presence to me by working and talking with those who need help, and I only ask that hopefully I can serve and help. Sometimes it’s only to be available so the revelation of what my Higher Power has done for me and that it’s using me to mirror myself in you.
Peace Out: M copyright 2004