When I came into the rooms, I was told I must find a Power Greater than me. This was not easy when I could only believe those things which were tangible, something that I could hold on, something I could see. At first when I realized that I had to trust something more than myself, I had to start trusting the program and that steps might work for me. I started to believe that, through men and women that were talking about things I felt. I instinctively knew that they could have never communicated this message to me, unless they had gone through what I had been through. I started to learn trust, I never really trusted anyone because of how I had been raised, and lived my life. There was always an element of never believing anyone, because everyone was out to get something, so too really trust and believe was never there. I did start to say that I trusted a new found higher power, but that was another part of my dishonesty, this went on for 22 years. Three years ago, on the evening of the 9/15/11, I was taken in to the O.R. at Cedar Sinai Hospital, sedated, and on the 16th in the A. M. I was given two organs a liver and kidney that had been donated. On the 17th after 14 1/2 hours I woke up and, my ex-wife was standing by my bed, and said to me, you made it. I didn’t understand what she was saying, but then my entire life flashed in front of me; I saw all the times my back had been against the wall, in and out of sobriety. All of the stupidity, the violence, the overdoses, the traffic accidents, my life with her, our marriage, children and divorce, everything up until that moment. What happened was that doubt had been erased, I saw and felt something I had never ever felt, protected! From that day until now growth began to happen, not that some growth had not happened before, but this was different. MY HEART STARTED HEARING THE MESSAGE AND IT WAS TRANSMITTING IT TO MY BRAIN, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. This has become stronger in the past year; I started to hear the real message for me in the 12th step, the message of learning to love unconditionally, in spite of what happens. I thank the Power every day for the compassion that has been given to me, and the message that has been carried. For me it is just about learning how to love, and how to let love in, and not be jaded by the selfish needs of my person. I have finally started to understand that word, God = love. That’s the answer to why me. Thank you Father/ Mother of Light and Forgiveness for the Grace, you have shown me.
Peace Out: M copyright 2014