I have lived a life that has been in a constant changing dynamic and environment, which is sometimes unsettling and sometimes unbelievably beautiful. Since I was a child my dad had us moving from place to place, and there was always new things, and becoming accustomed to different attitudes. This made me acutely aware of how to adapt to things as quickly as possible, and how to take care of myself, in all types of situations, involving people, places and things. These life skills were beneficial, but also detrimental, by learning these skills, I was convinced that I could manage everything that came my way. When it came to the place where all my life skills stopped working, I was lost in that place where I could not see an out. This was a void I could not comprehend, I remember clearly laying on the floor of my garage reaching and not finding anything that would bring change at that moment. There were tears in my eyes, my chest was bursting, every muscle in my body ached, and I felt so desperately alone, even though my wife and kids were upstairs sleeping, this is described in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous as “incomprehensible and pitiful demoralization”. I was burnt from one end to the other in my soul, and I cried out for help in my heart, not realizing that my silent screams were heard by the Spirit of Spirits and sent me an Angel, in the form of my then wife. She came to me the next day and said, that she had made arrangements for me to go to a detox center, and there was a cab going to pick me up, and I had to go or she would leave and take my children with her, I felt I had no choice in the matter, why, because I had run out of choices.
This was the biggest change ever, I had been on a mission of destruction for most of my life, I didn’t realize how big the change was to become. With the introduction of some very simple principals and steps my new life began, I was sternly encouraged to start understanding that I had to concede to the core of my soul that I was powerless over substances that I had thrived on since I was a child. I had to become open minded enough, that there was power which would create the change of changes, I needed to examine everything from my past, to the present, and see what it was in me that kept me in such a rage against myself and others, and accept what needed to change, how I could change, and what I could do to affect change, I never thought that this would now keep me in a constant path of change, but yet here I stand today once more on the doorstep of change. Every day I am surrounded by this remarkable, beautiful, challenging world that is forever evolving, I feel blessed that my life has never been boring and has allowed me to change, and this I owe to those who showed me the path that creates these changes in me, the one I call “GOD”.
Peace Out: M